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Tuesday, July 27, 2010 

Signing back in

It's been quite some time since I've written here. I guess I feel the need to. 

Life is moving at such an electrifying pace, it's hard to believe most of my 20's are behind me. I'm now just over two months into a six month contract position in a state government department, working in online communications. Semester two of my masters degree has just begun, so I've got a lot of reading to do. Just started going to weekend drawing classes, which force me to dedicate time to my most precious attribute, my artistic talent. Sounds like a fulfilling life, doesn't it? 

Truth is, I am dying inside. Every day is a battle that I loose against myself. 

It's dark when I wake up, and it's dark when I leave work. I am busy every day, always doing something, going somewhere, making plans, ticking things off my list. My brain is a frazzled mess, a nest of broken wires that fires off, connects randomly, not able to work sequentially or methodologically. I'm always thinking about the future, of that day when things will be good, settled, easy. When I can stop struggling, fretting, stressing, and start living. 

Other people can live, other people sit and read the newspaper or watch TV. They can sleep in on the weekend, they hug and talk to friends on the phone. They can distance themselves from difficult situations, think before acting. They can keep things in perspective. Why can't I? 

I don't think that day will ever come. I have grown so weary of being a harsh self critic. I am my worst enemy, just about the worst devil's advocate you could imagine, over thinking and second guessing every thought, act, word. I exert so much effort yet find life meaningless. I am empty. I am self destructive, and severely depressed. 

I am 26 years old, and feel my life is over. 

Posted by Leah at 4:50 PM.

Today

I wish I could reach the Leah I was eight years ago and let her know everything would turn out okay.

Discovering my old blog today was not the inspiration for starting this one. It's been a long process of considering how to put my skills, passions and energy into something that is useful to others. Now I have a day off work I'm finally here - logging in for the first time since - and discovering my own long-forgotten words.

Back then I struggled with high functioning depression and anxiety that expressed itself in many ways. Things actually got a lot worse for a long time before they started to get better, but for good reason. That rather depressing post is the perfect segue way into today, and everything I want to share with you.

For years I've been searching, reading, researching, exploring and learning as much as I can about living a balanced, peaceful and happy life in which I feel fulfilled. As a creative person, this is no easy feat.

I can honestly say I have a joy and peace in my life that I never imagined. I feel confident personally and professionally. I have a great job that allows me creative autonomy. I have a grounding, peaceful home. I finally have a great relationship with my family. I no longer have toxic people in my life, but a small circle of really great friends. I'm happily single and enjoy my independence. I'm much healthier than I used to be. And these days, I make art from a happy place instead of a dark one.

I still have so much to learn, but I want to share the journey in the hope that it resonates with you. And maybe you'll share your experiences as well.

This is an open invitation: If you are a creative person of any kind who has felt like a weirdo, struggled with your physical and mental health, felt exhausted and unsatisfied with life, been unable to channel inspiration when you need it, or just don't take care of yourself very well, I'm really glad you're here.

My name is Leah Spring. I'm a digital marketing and communications professional, artist, music lover and weirdo, and I'm here to inspire creative people to live well.

Welcome home,

Leah xo